STR8 UP WITH A TWIST

The temperature is rising in Houston and so is the dumb factor. Seriously. And the dumb bug has bitten me. Here's what happened...

I was invited to a party last night and the start time was 700p. It was in Midtown but on the opposite side of Midtown so that meant I needed to either go through Downtown or skirt around Downtown. Without thinking, I went through Downtown. OY!

There were performances at The Wortham Center, Jones Hall and Verizon Wireless Theater and I got caught in the scramble of cars trying to get a parking spot. People were blocking intersections with their cars trying to get into parking garages. People were cutting across three lanes of traffic trying to nab a meter spot.

So cutting through the Theater District last night was not a smart move on my part and it only gets worse.

I couldn't scoot over to make a right on Smith or Milam so I had to go toward Minute Maid Park and then I did another dumb thing. I turned right on La Branch which took me right into the traffic mess for Toyota Center and everyone trying to get to the Rockets' game.

There were people cutting across lanes of traffic trying to nab parking spots (just like on the other side of downtown) but there were also people running out into oncoming traffic...tickets in hand. I almost hit a guy that ran in front of me. That would have been real pretty.

I figure the Rockets' fans had been drinking ahead of time so their sense of judgement was a bit off.

THEN this morning on my way to Memorial Park I see a lady run in front of three lanes of oncoming traffic because she didn't want to wait for the light to change. Ya know...I'm not big on seeing carnage on the grill of the car. Not a good way to start the day.

Speaking of the party last night. It was one of those parties where I wasn't sure if I would know anybody other than the host and that's sort of what happened.

When I first got there, I introduced myself to a couple of guests and I thought one of them was repeating my name. So I guess I had a puzzled look on my face because he then said, "My name is also Timmy."

Andrew asked me how I was feeling and I told him that I had worried about a weight gain but that I had actually lost two pounds. I told him that he hadn't seen me at the gym because I didn't have the energy level. He then says, "I'm one stomach flu away from reaching my goal weight." I looked at him and he says, "Remember? From The Devil Wears Prada?" LOL

So I'm flitting around the party and I hear two women talking about one of their friends with a full figure who wears the wrong clothes. So the conversation goes from that to:

• Tim Gunn's Guide To Style with Veronica Webb to




• Carson Kressley's How To Look Good Naked to



• me asking them are they wearing the correct bra (because I saw something on Oprah one day about that) to



• would they let anyone look in their underwear drawer to


• how men have it lucky because the only thing we have to worry about is wearing boxers that bunch.

Erich showed up and like me he really didn't know anyone else at the party. It was fun to hang out with him because I had never really had a one-on-one conversation with him. We met another guest named Victor who cracked us up.

Victor was so sure that raves were the predecessor to circuit parties and he was convinced that he was older than me. Well, I have news for him about the circuit parties. LOL

I think I stunned him when I told him that for my 17th birthday I received a portable 8-track player with a shoulder strap. I can't remember if it held 6 or 8 of the big batteries but it was bit heavy and I thought I was cool. I then remembered that when I was about 5, my Aunt Annie gave me and my sister a quasi-portable record player (it didn't run on batteries). It looked like a little suitcase but it could play an album. Erich and I then realized how portable devices have progressed from my little record player to my iPod nano. What's next?

OK...so I've rambled enough. I will leave you with these three things:
1) The Rockets won last night and now have a 21-game winning streak.
2) I found this underwear for men...men who have a flat butt.

3) I'm getting a vaccination for the dumb bug.